I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
