omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
The Olympian is in my bed
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
