i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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