haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
