She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
