I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
