remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
