yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
