I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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