I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Randomize
