you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i wish my penis had a tongue
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
