Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
