omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
