i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
