Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
