I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
