the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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