Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
