Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
