I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
