how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
