Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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