Tell her she can't have a vagina
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
