I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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