Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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