Just fell off a train. Bad.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
