the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Help me help you realize you are a moron
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
