You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
