I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
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