I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
