i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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