My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
