How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Randomize
