I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
