I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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