I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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