my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
