Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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