Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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