Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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