I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
