This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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