who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
