Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
