he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
