This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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