i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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