she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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