I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
