I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
